Friday, August 18, 2017

The Transition to Vampiric Bitter Vet

 TLDR: Newbie makes newbie mistakes, I semi restrain myself from destroying him utterly, or have I?

Perhaps its the natural evolution of vet-dom, but I wasn't always like this. I've come to realize, that I'm the worst kind of bitter vet. The kind of vet that feeds like a vampire off of the life force of newbies.

In the past, I've enjoyed myself observing my fellow low experienced players like a kind of Jane Goodall, cataloging the behavior of the Mountain Gorillas and their primitive use of tools. Giggling at the similarities and discoveries they make, hopping to reach that place in our evolutionary past and possibly learn something once forgotten.

Naw, fuck that.

Instead of peacefully observing the primitives in their natural habitat, I've found a level of amusement tormenting them in creative ways.

Here we begin the tale of Eve-iL Shenanigans a player I met in Military Wormholers. MW are a collection of vets and newbies trying to do what they can to play this great game called EVE. 

ES as I'll refer to him is no different than you and I except he doesn't fully understand the game to the level we do. He hasn't had the hope and wonder of EVE brutally crushed out of him. He thinks the game is actually a sandbox and simply creativity is the only thing stopping him from succeeding, what a sucker. I'm kidding, hes a nice enough guy, just slightly naive. 

Military wormholers, like other newish wormhole corps is constantly trying to improve its PVP doctrine. They even elected a PVP fitting coordinator, who proceeded to send email after email about what ships he thought we all should bring in to make a cohesive group.  

Along comes ES and his hauling services. His dream, as best as I can figure out, is making an EVE business of sorts by hauling equipment to the wormhole from Kspace at the ever fluctuating rate between 5 and 10%.  So he made us a google doc with complex instructions on how to list the items we need that he could eventually haul in. Adorable right?

I inadvertently at first and later overtly explained to him that everyone worth their salt in Wspace has their own means of hauling shit in and out of the wormhole. But he wasn't having it, he was set on being our corps main go to connection to the distant Kspace market place. Not wanting to crush his hopes and dreams with the realities of this game, I played along. 

Shortly after the PVP doctrine mail went out with 3 ships listed on it, I figured I would use his hauling services and save me some time. I told him, "I'll pay your 10% fee, go ahead and bring me 1 of each ship" have fun, be a space/wormhole hauler. 

He then explained to me that he didn't have the capital for all the space ships on the list. He also mentioned to me that his hauling business wasn't taking off the way he'd hoped. No one was really using it. Not wanting his hopes and dreams to be dashed I broke him off a billion isk. "Bring me change and run along." Thinking I was being tremendously magnanimous with my money and giving this little fellow some business he was striving for. He then begins to complain that our current high sec is 20 some jumps from Jita but he could go to Rens and buy everything, but everything would cost more. 

Sigh, I tried to explain to him, thats not my problem. This is your business, you can't charge people more for a hauling service entirely based on how much effort in jumps you were willing to do. After some checking, we both agree that Rens is near to the Jita price on most of the items but the faction mods for the fits will need to come from Jita. 

Shortly after that conversation I discover that he's using his bestower to do the hauling. By the time I figured it out, he was hauling a scimitar that ended up costing me 540 million through high sec in a bestower. I then told him that any 5 million isk catalist could pop him before concord saved his little hauler. He then asks me if it would be OK if he autopilots. To which I responded with NO!

 O well, newbie mistakes, I get it. Surprisingly he managed to make it the entire way with 1 ship.  He sends me the change. 

Now I know this kid didn't make the fits, but I've bought and flown many scimitars and none of them really ever cost me more than 250, who faction fits a roaming scimi?! O well... 

Fast forward to last night. The conversation is happening in coms about this guy trying to figure out how to run a market in our wormhole. Why not simply fit a market hub in fort? Well the only one who wants a market is the newbie. He's still trying to figure out how he's going to get his 5 to 10 percent from the market hub if its installed. He's doing his best to get out of paying for the fuel it costs to run the hub, complaining that the % that he makes would never pay for the fuel, this is going back and forth for some time. I get bored of the conversation I just fly out and buy it along with as much fuel as I can carry. 

I'm not making this part up, when I was about to head back with my 1 billion isk market hub, he says on coms "Would you like me to haul it for you?" I damn near spit out my drink. 

Now the bitter vet in me said something not very nice to him and for that I was sorry. "did you just hear me key up the mic and say nothing? That was me struggling to say something other than go fuck yourself" Those weren't my exact words, but it something to that effect. 

He disconnects from coms. 

Realizing that instant I just wrecked a newbie and possibly a future EVE player I instantly felt bad.  But in that instant of feeling bad and potentially crushing the dreams, the vampire EVE Vet takes over. It hit me... Why don't I just log in my trading alt who can field 200+ orders? I could undercut him by 1 isk forever, I giggle to myself and realize how terrible that would be to do to my fellow player. He would never sell a thing, meanwhile I rule the market with my alt, giggling to myself, driven to log in day after day for the only reason being to undercut this poor son of a bitch...forever!

Then I came to the realization that I would need to plex that market account to turn it on and pay for a market that I would only be using to torment a single player, day after day. 

Think of the cost. I 'd have to buy every item he wanted to sell, bring it in the wormhole, then sell it by undercutting whatever price he might have made at the time. I'd pay for the upkeep fuel, the initial module cost and the plex cost to keep the market character account running. 

And I actually did the math.. I had the money to keep it up for months! I could play exclusively to just crush the hopes and dreams of this 1 would-be corp hauler marketeer. 

I salivated in delight with the thought of the delicious tears he would generate. It gave me renewed spring in my step. How diabolical have I become?! 

Not being totally drunk on the future of destroying a newbie, I come to my senses. 

I figure the best way to satisfy my sadism was to place all the parts of the ship he initially hauled in for me on the market, at 20% mark up. 

No sense not turning a profit. 


1 comment:

  1. Glad to see you are still finding a way to enjoy yourself. You should take a trip over to eve reddit or youtube.. your influence has driven Foedus to start a podcast and he credits you at the end for more or less his whole eve career. Don't let the bitterness consume you. You made an impact on the game and on the lives of the people around you.

    -Kambe Aybara