The Battle Onion (fan fiction)

This may sound crazy but sometimes I like to sit back and wonder what its like on the ships I fly. There are those that believe the ships are totally piloted by little pods and the rest is automated. There are others who think entire crews man the ships and the pilot is a god figure who is obviously immortal. Either way you look at it, I got a wild hair up my a$$ to write a story based on a hilariously bad fit for a battle ship. I needed to some how explain the badness in some way.

If the actual story is correct, the guy who got this kill stated the pilot brought this ship out to fight him. This was what he went back to the station to get. Here is the kill mail THE BATTLE ONION! 



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Fade to Exterior. Slow zoom into bridge of the Dominix Navy Issue Battleship – Dim glow of the sun behind the floating craft. Perhaps anticipating its eventual destruction but proud under its massive armor plating. The Dominix Navy Issue sits like a space born monolith, immobile within its bulk. Engines protruding out of it like small fire crackers attached to a bowling ball, perhaps with the same effect.
A perplexed Captain Chang perches on the edge of his captain’s chair. Sitting motionless hand on chin and staring into the void of space and perhaps beyond. Silence is his only friend. Having ‘spaced’ all crew after his mandated ‘upgrades’ he laughs to himself what idiots they were, what lack of vision they had. The called him a fool when he demanded the shield extenders to be tripled. They whispered him ‘mad’ when he put forward the requisition to increase the armor plating tenfold. He softly giggled to himself ‘look who is mad…. And look who is dead’. Frequent arguments with his first officer lead him to believe the ship would be vulnerable on the interior as well as the exterior. He wasn’t having it.
His idea was simple, modeled after a planetary vegetable. An onion, the perfect creation of defense, layer upon layer, peal one back and another quickly takes its place. WHY couldn’t they SEE this? Their lack of vision was their undoing. He explained in more than one staff meeting, how simple it all was. A multi layered defense combined with multi layered attack. Ying and Yang! Positive and negative! One unable to overcome the other, both true sides of the same coin. Any attacker would first run through a nearly impenetrable ring of 720 mm howitzer shells followed up with heavy drones. While the howitzers were reloading yet another volley of 250mm prototype rail guns would surely dissuade any attacker from persisting. “Lasers!!” he shouted at the wall, the missing piece of the puzzle! What if the attacker would come in with a total disregard for projectile warfare? This is how he would he stop them. Lasers. It was so simple. Mounting lasers to fill the gaps between the wall of drones and lead, a impenetrable curtain of light and lead.
But what of my precious ship? What if by chance a single bullet should pass by a seemingly impenetrable wall of offence? Shields more shields than any ship has ever had before, more raw power to deflect any but most determined foe. Even if the shields couldn’t possibly refresh themselves during a fight, his multi-dimensional offence would destroy any attackers. HA HA… he thought to himself. But wait... don’t be so hasty old Chang’y my boy…. You nearly forgot about your previous engagements, where the shield were in fact penetrated. He would use the weak refresh of the shields to his advantage! Give an aggressor a false sense of accomplishment, so an attacker commits his ship to a pending trap. Armor… more armor than any ship has ever been fit! They would hit a great wall of metal and bulk heads. This would be his greatest gift to the universe, the gift of the “BATTLE ONION!”
The difference between innovator and madmen was simply the level of success. Crew be damned! Captain Chang was here to make history! They will write sagas about him, songs, stories… He stood from his chair and shouted to the void… “You will not keep me down, You cannot penetrate this ship!”
He then set his course to the nearest warp gate. His ship, slow and purposeful, would give him time to make a three course meal and cup of coffee before it went to warp. But anywhere worth going was worth getting there in due time. You can’t rush fate.